We are now one week into January; the decorations are gone, a few mince pies maliciously linger in the kitchen, and all your New Year’s resolutions have already been smashed to cinders.
This making and subsequent breaking of New Year’s resolutions is hardly surprising when you take into the sadomasochistic tendency evident in many of these resolves (‘Lose weight’, ‘See more of my family’, ‘Be a better person’), or in their blatant vagueness.
Take for example the simple and oft repeated declaration: ‘I will read more’. Such an utterance immediately invites the response from any common reader, ‘Oh, what were you thinking of reading?’. At this point the naïve individual may immediately break down, and admit that they cannot think of a single book they want to read; or, even worse, they will name some worthy classic or other which they will then by obliged to read so that they may respond to the kindly enquiries of friends about how they are getting on.
Reading is not a task to be entered upon lightly. It requires patience, social isolation and carries the potential risk of the most potent form of addiction. Nevertheless, it is a worthy endeavour, and to those looking to tread the well-worn path, I offer the following five rules.
Rule the First: Learn how to pretend you are better read than you are
For many readers, the idea that you have never touched a Tolstoy, retreated in to a corner with a Christie or idled an hour away with an Austen will instantly confer on you the distinction of ignoramus, and possibly leave you too dispirited by the sheer quantity of material to begin anywhere.
As a rule, you will find those who feign most indignation on hearing such a thing have probably never read them either, but know enough to know that they ought. In such a case, you may be away with actually lying, and offering a general plot point to back up your statement, particularly if it is a risible one. Any mention of Leopold Bloom’s trip to Sandymount Strand should shut up the conversation about Ulysses immediately (thank God!).
For those annoying individuals who do seem to have read everything, try telling them that a book is at home at your bookshelf but you have not got around to it yet. This will make your bookshelf sound incredibly impressive.
Rule the Second: No Metal bookmarks, ever!
Like any hobby, reading comes with its own paraphernalia which haunt the new ‘accessories’ section of the bookshop. Such items range from Kindles to book jackets through to clip on electronic dictionaries and lights, and nearly all are entirely pointless.
With so many items now available to clip onto your paperback, it is becoming increasing difficult to turn the page or even hold the book, which is probably why they have also started to book stands. When it comes to reading, the only accessory you need is a paper bookmark – but NEVER metal; these only rip the page and fall out of the book, effectively rendering them worse than useless.
Rule the Third: Read on dry land
While reading on the daily commute or simply a chapter before bed is a good way to start your new resolution, you will get the most pleasure out of your new hobby by setting out time in your day to read in a more leisurely way.
Allow me in words to lay before the ideal reading scene. It is winter. Preferably there is a frost on the ground. The day’s work is done, and you have the leisure to ideal away an evening. You choose to settle down in a cosy armchair directly facing an open fire. You open a book, sipping on a cup of tea as you start a new chapter. Eventually a cat will settle on your knee (or the animal of your choice). All is well.
What you must never do is try to read in the bath. There are now many contraptions designed for books in this most relaxing of settings – which often also offer wine holders and candle stands to boot. These, alas, never surmount the simplest difficulty this scenario presents: knocking the book into the bath.
Rule the Fourth: No music unless absolutely necessary
Nothing with lyrics! You will end up with a entirely inappropriate association between a song and story. For instance, I now have the misfortune to associate Bram Stoker’s Dracula with Journey’s Any Way You Want It, although you could search for some Freudian association there.
However, during your resolution you will undoubtedly find yourself tested by a particularly dull section of writing. In such a case, there is an argument for forcing yourself through with a particularly jazzy tune for company to speed up the pace of reading and engage those parts of the brain which require some stimulation. There are very few writers who can be eternally dull forever.
Rule the fifth: On a serious note, do read what you like
This sounds easy enough to achieve, and yet in practice people often make the mistake of reading what they are told is good.
Distrust all critics and those who mean you well, and ask yourself the following questions when about to start a book:
- Am I in the mood for this?
- Do I want to devote possibly an extended period to this?
- Is there something I would prefer to read instead?
If the answers to these questions are Yes, Yes and then No, then you should start reading immediately. If you stick to your resolution then one day you will may feel an urge to read Dombey and Sons, or even to pick up Turgenev (I am still waiting for it). Until then, go for P.G. Wodehouse or a nice murder instead.
Image: Anne/ Flickr